you know things are bad when daddy lohan starts begging

dl

how i adore the huffington post! 
with love, from Ariana’s homeslice Chris Kelly (and a tip from Virb!):

Lohanomics

When Mother Teresa died she owned the clothes on her back, a rosary and a bucket. The day she died, like every other day, she started off with the Prayer of St. Francis, the one that asks, “Oh Master grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console.” I know what you’re thinking: Showoff.

But she wasn’t all bad. There’s something to wanting to give more than you receive. I’m not a glory hound like some nuns, but I try to live my life in the same spirit. That’s why I was so happy to open this morning’s Wall Street Journal and read:

WASHINGTON — Government officials seeking to revamp the U.S. financial bailout have discussed spending another $1 trillion to $2 trillion to help restore banks to health, according to people familiar with the matter.

Hallelujah!

We’ll be down to our clothes, rosaries and buckets in no time!

But not so fast. Just when I thought I’d found my calling — restoring the banks to health — I saw that Lindsay Lohan’s father had updated his blog, and it read:

PLEASE HELP!!! I am asking everyone out their (sic) to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life… Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha. Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!I know God would never give me more than I can handle, but how can I help Michael Lohan break up his daughter’s lesbian relationships and recapitalize Citibank? I don’t want to make light of a father’s love for a child, or a nation’s love for its bankers, but suddenly I’m feeling not just torn but a little tapped out.

 

It’s like when the Joker tells Batman he can save either Rachel or Harvey Dent. I think. I’m still not exactly clear on what happened there.

Save Lindsay or Wall Street or neither or both? Let’s see.

Totally charming in Mean Girls?
Lindsay Lohan: Yes
AIG: No

Already received billions in aid?
Lindsay Lohan: No
AIG: Yes

Chance that a new handout will just get blown on Grey Goose?
Lindsay Lohan: Yes
AIG: Yes

Would piss on you if you were on fire?
AIG: No
Lindsay Lohan: It depends. Does she need to go anyway? How much Grey Goose has she had?

I think St. Francis would call this a pick’em.

Here’s why this isn’t a fair comparison. Lindsay Lohan was pretty good in Freaky Friday. Also, Michael Lohan won’t tell us exactly how it is he wants us to help him, whereas Wall Street has made its needs perfectly clear:

Give us all your money.

Michael Lohan and our wards in the financial sector are equally opaque about what they’ll do with our help/cash. The banks didn’t exactly start making loans again, after we gave them those other billions, to make loans. Michael Lohan won’t say what he’ll do to Lindsay with our help, but he clearly knows the value of a dollar, since his blog has ads on it. So probably the best thing to do is just give them whatever they want and hope for the best. They are the experts.

Before he went to prison for criminal contempt related to securities trading, Michael Lohan worked on Wall Street.

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1 Comment

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One response to “you know things are bad when daddy lohan starts begging

  1. Either Michael Lohan doesn’t realize what a shameless d-bag he comes across as, or he doesn’t care (which would make him an even more shameless d-bag).

    Bringing together The Lohans, the economy, and Dark Knight all in one post? Sooo meta, I like it.

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